Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Thought catalog

hello wello

This has been one hell of a week full of lots and lots and lots of thinking. Like idk everyday I hear things that switch on my thinking mode. And cause I'm taking a break from HPI since the paper is at 2 tmr I shall update this space a little.

So on the first day it was the class outing discussion. I finally decided to tell them what I wanted to do for so long and I'm really glad that they were supportive and the class outing was suggested. And we invited ppl using the P&C method HAHA. Quite hilarious I would say. I was so so glad when the ppl I wanna talk to said that they'll be attending cause I've been wanting to do it for super long. Can't wait can't wait. I'm really sick of the events that happened last time so I'm not letting it happen again. I know this isn't the first time I've talked about it to many ppl and mentioned about how upset I was and how things would have been the same but I just couldn't find a proper time and neither did I have enough will to do it. But now that I do I'm gonna make it happen.

Thn the events from the second and third days were quite a blur I can't really remember what happened on what day. But I had a mini talk with someone whom I've always wanted to question (like not the interrogating kind obviously) and for once instead of the usual laugh-it-off and brush-away response that I always receive despite my countless relentless attempts I finally got like a detailed and long answer. And guess what, I was amazed. If one of them said this it's okay, maybe they're just weird or shit happened. But if both said that when the second one is actually really really really nice then I guess it's obvious what the problem is. I was just about maybe 10-20% or even lesser of the spark that ignited whatever that happened but even though I expected that response and statement I was still shocked to hear about it in a good and bad way. Good cause it wasn't the first time I've heard it from the ppl ard me so it's just amazing that such stuff can still be done so easily at this age and bad cause I don't have the courage to do whatever they did that made them seem so much more alive, carefree and happy even though it's really stressful and tiring. Tbh no matter what you do you can't please everybody, really. Quoted from an example irl, if you don't say - ppl think you dislike/hate them and did whatever you did cause of reasons that have nothing to do with them and when you say - ppl give you sarcastic remarks and shit and tell you that you're better off doing that too and nobody wants you here anyway. See my point? Whatever you do there's bound to be ppl who get upset and say shit about you. And thn what's worse, even if you choose to do nothing you also get picked on. Absurdity at its best that's what I call it. And if you're wondering, no it didn't happen to me (yet).

Meeting weishi and jiajun for dinz tmr after my last paper I actually wanted to just chiong home for the heirs (OMG EPISODE 19 AND 20 IS OUT I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T WATCH IT) and city hunter but there's a huge decision I have to make by tmr so I have to consult them actually idk if I'll regret but thn again idw things to be this way cause honestly what's the point? And I even gave up my first ever new year's countdown with the silver linings peeps cause I'm afraid of whatever that is gonna happen if I don't do it and worse still what's it gonna be like after everything is over. I didn't choose or ask for any of this it just kinda happened. I can't say that it's entirely my fault even though that'll prolly make the other person feel better but tbh nobody can understand unless they've been in my shoes entirely. Knowing what I gave up and what I did and what I tried and how long have I been doing all of that on top of having to not only do well but be in the top for studies and all the ASC meetings and all the daily crap and people and social issues I have to face. I don't even know how I manage to not breakdown or cave in or resort to self harming and drugs and smoking and alcohol and clubbing etc I'm not even kidding. It's almost like I'm just a puppeteer for the living character in my life, making choices and decisions and doing things without feeling much at all. So anyway back to my point, I need to get it sorted out real quick or it's gonna get worse. Sometimes I wish I have a lucky coin to make all these decisions for me sighhh if only I can tell the future that would be great. But thn again it's because I'm still young and wild and free that I don't have to blame myself for whatever the outcome is cause ultimately if I'm not gonna make myself happy thn who will? With that being said, I can't cause other ppl inconvenience and awkwardness cause of my decisions and happiness HAHA so I've got to consult my awesome bros first.

I know of ppl who are going to have their make it or break it point after MST too so I hope things get better for them. Actually I don't think I have low EQ like what they all say tbh cause it's not like I can't understand or empathize with ppl but I just can't express my thoughts and feelings in words or actions and most importantly, I don't see why they have to let their emotions get the better of them. I mean like our brain is above our heart for a reason? And no matter what happens in life, remember that at the end of the day we ALWAYS have a choice. We can always choose not to care, not to see, not to hear and not to bother about the insignificant and petty issues. Believe it or not, you can actually train yourself to not get affected by alot of stuff. I wasn't this nonchalant in the past, not at all. I was an emotional wreck and did many things out of anger and disappointment and sadness and sometimes a confusion of one or more of those but one day I decided that enough was enough and having too many emotions not only clouds your mind and judgement but it also completely ruins you. So after a shit load of determination and time and willpower I became this 'mean' 'heartless' 'insensitive' 'bitch' that I am but why bother about that if I feel happy with my life. People who are worthy of my time, respect and concern will definitely know they matter to me cause I'll make it a point to let them know of their significance be it by word of mouth or teeny weeny things that I do. These are the ones who show me why I should care and let myself get affected by them. Cause they're true to themselves and what they say and don't resort to doing things that make me lose respect for them and stoop to a despicable level and have morals and values and know what's best for themselves and don't start shit in ppl's lives. And as for the rest, you'll prolly think of me as the quoted words above. But I don't regret it all all cause I would choose this over feeling fucked up and crying and emoing and feeling like nothing is right in your life and all the other horrible miserable sad thoughts ANYTIME. Like really if there was anything beneficial that I did to myself it would be this. Imagine if I was like how I was in the past now HAHA I'll prolly like idk breakdown everyday and bawl my eyes out or turn into some self ruining person. And that's another funny thing literally, cause some ppl do and say things in hopes that I'll get pissed or to prove their point and 'superiority' or just out of lameness and shit but I feel nothing. Like okay you did this and said this so? Does it even matter to me? And thn there'll be ppl saying like if I wasn't bothered I wouldn't be saying these things now but for the record this was explicitly stated to show how childish and absurd some ppl are to the point that I'm just like 'wait what HAHA wtf just happened' 'erm okay whatever floats your boat' 'oh cool' 'omg are you for real trololol okay moving on ' 'eh shit what am I doing I should watch my show' 'I need to study' 'are you for real HAHAHA omg' 'did that just happened'. I swear these are the lines in my head like 99% of the time when I'm in such situations. Don't ever stoop to such levels to get back at someone guys, it's retarded especially when your victim is someone like me and many others who only care about things like gaming or studies or being happy on top of the few significant ppl in their lives. And secondly ppl who go back and start bootlicking and trying to get into the good books of ppl they recently talked shit about/fought with are another class of ppl who disgust me. And this is coming from someone who did it before so yes I was disgusted by what I did so I stopped. I know it's almost instinctively and 'normal' to many but NO I can't stand it. I'll never do that, not anymore since 3 years ago. If you want thn do it openly and let the person know what you said and that you were sorry. And not do that or even worse, act like nothing happened and be all BFF-ish and start talking shit about someone else to them only when you fell out with your friends and you're left with nobody so you go back to the person you talked shit about. It's just like idk omg another absurdity at its best. Stay away from ppl like that man serioussss. It'll only do yourself good.

Oh and no there is absolutely nothing wrong to feel miserable or cry your eyes out and all that. Just know that after you're done with being upset, move on and don't shed another tear or have a shard of unhappiness over the same thing again. Make new choices with your head and know what's best for yourself. If you can't change it thn why bother getting yourself fucked over it? And secondly no matter how bad you think it is, NEVER self harm. As if feeling like your heart and mind is crumbling to pieces isn't bad enough, you want to add in the physical aspect to it too? That's really the dumbest thing ever, if you're doing it cause you think it relieves your emotional pain. We all know that's not true. And what makes you think that having those scars are gonna make the situation any better? You think the more you cut the more the problem goes away? At the end of the day it's still there isn't it? Just binge or scream into a pillow or hit the gym or go for a run it'll definitely be so much better. And if you're still feeling horrible thn ask yourself, will it even matter in a month? Or 5 years? Change is only constant and people change and feelings fade but life still goes on. Whatever it is too shall pass, just give it time. Even if it doesn't completely go away it wouldn't be as bad. And if we're like still in our teens and alr feeling so miserable what's gonna happen when we go out to society next time? It's not even like living in Singapore is damn fun and full of adventures why waste your youth feeling like shit. The person we think we would die for now might as well be someone you wouldn't even recognize on the streets one day. Failed a test and can't seem to get anything right? Think about how you can improve and what's your weakness and learn from it, thn move on and make a change. Or choose another route/course that may not be easier and things will get rough but you'll have a higher success rate like what I did. Screwed something up? Apologize and show some sincerity. A small action goes a long way, really. And I'm just about to resolve something myself heheheh anyway yea you get my point. Life is full of uncertainties and you'll never know what's gonna happen so make whatever it is count^^

It's past midnight and 'Loz is now playing Dragon-something something' HAHA so I shall continue mugging for HPI and head to school for brunch with Russell and Louis tmr happy studying/holidays ppl
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